Girl Interrupted

How ironic is it that one of my all time favorite movies as a teen was Girl, Interrupted and as an adult I've personally lived out the experiences of the characters twice. Let me tell you, the movie is way more entertaining and enjoyable than the real experience. If you haven't seen Girl, Interrupted it's a must see! Check it out here. 

I decided to write about my experiences to shed light on the events that occurred via IG stories over the weekend and to hopefully bring clarity and inspiration to someone else. 

The first time I had a manic episode was a little over 2 years ago after I had been in fasting and prayer. At that time God bestowed a calling over me and my life. He also revealed other things to me that were exciting. All the things he revealed to me were amazing things! I was so excited and overwhelmed to begin working in my purpose that I was experiencing sleep deprivation, enormous anxiety, and a lack of appetite. The excitement quickly spiraled out of control and I found myself at the psychiatric ward. That manic episode was not as wild as the most recent but similar in some of the language that was used.

days after the 1st manic episode. babbyyy that lost of appetite had your girl SNATCHED!

The first episode FREAKED me out. I was scared, nervous, and confused. I didn't understand how something so beautiful, inspiring, and, most importantly sent from God could turn so ugly and disastrous. I was heartbroken. My family and friends were also scared and freaked out. We've all NEVER experienced anything like it. However, that experience brought my family closer and it revealed who were my true ride-or-die friends. My experience in the hospital was HORRENDOUS. However, that's a totally different subject for another blog post.

During that stint, I was diagnosed with being in a brief psychosis and prescribed medication to help me sleep and release the anxiety. I only took the medication while in the hospital and maybe a week after discharge. However, I kept the prescription. One of the hardest parts of dealing with the entire experience was coming to terms that it happened to me. I have never had any mental health issues and neither has anyone in my family. Like with most things, time heals all wounds and reveals clarity.

Since May 2016 I have been smooth sailing; that is until this past Saturday.

I was in NYC for the weekend for a photoshoot and baby I was feeling myself with this pony!! LOL. I'm so mad I didn't get a chance to take any pics. Do you guys think I should do the pony again for a future shoot?

This week I had been in fasting in prayer over my future move, manifestation for new business deals, and over a specific situation. This fast was transformational! I received confirmation and clarity on several things and it was also revealed to me that I have spiritual gifts and the first manic episode was a result of me deeply tapping into my spirituality. It was confirmed that I have fierce intuition and prophetic abilities. 

I won't go into detail regarding the situation I was looking for clarity about but know that God spoke to me loud and clear regarding what was going on. The revelation was triggering and traumatic for me. I brought about slight hysteria and a wave of emotions. 

Friends, when God speaks to you and you directly please stand on your convictions. Do not question your convictions. God doesn't speak through Sally to Jane to you. He speaks directly to you. If God tells you he's going to uproot you from your current job into a better job, stand on that promise with conviction! It is all about relationship! I'm not a heavy religious person but I am very spiritual and believe in the power of the Almighty. I believe that God lives within us and you just have to have unwavering belief and faith. Okkurrrtt!

It is hard for me to explain how I tap into my intuition and prophetic abilities but typically it just hits me strongly in either deep thought or sleep. Most times I will write down what comes to me. The situation I had fasted about had been heavy on my mind since the triggering revelation hit me. It brought about tons of anxiety and uneasiness. 

Saturday ended up being a rainy gloomy day in NYC and we had to cancel our outdoor shoot. As I lie deep in thought that old familiar strange feeling started to overtake me and I became very nervous. I called my mom and told her I was starting to feel anxious and light-headed. I was giving her warning that I was starting to feel like I did 2 years ago before I went into a manic state. Unfortunately I was not equipped with the tools to snap myself out of it so the mania began. I don't feel like going into the details as I'm sure most of you witnessed it but please know that I did not have control over my actions or words. It is NOT a fun feeling. It is very scary.  Also I do not think I'm God, Jesus Christ, or any other higher power. However when you're only familiar with Christian practices and the Holy Spirit it is easy to think you're being led by those deities.

Needless to say, my actions resulted in my second trip to the psych ward. If you guys are interested in psych ward experiences I would love to write a post about it. It isn't fun being a practically sane person amongst the mentally challenged but hindsight it makes for good stories. 

This experience was much better because I understood it. I had a sense of peace and the staff was amazing. I wasn't diagnosed with anything and I wasn't given any medication other than an initial shot to bring me down from the manic state. The most frustrating part was being stuck there all weekend due to the medical staff (social worker, psychiatrist, and doctors) being off for the weekend.

Being stuck there started to get to me and I became emotional. One of the staff members took me to an outdoor area and we conversed about what led me to be there. I was so thankful for our conversation. It shed light to how I should proceed in the future. She told me that she was a Christian and her understanding of the spiritual word is that when you are spiritually open; highly intuitive and have prophetic abilities you're open to good and evil spirits and it's important to be able to discern what is of God and what isn't. She also said that I could possibly be tapping into someone else’s spirit. I explained that I'm ill experienced and prepared when it comes to my abilities. She suggested that the next time I feel a spirit overtaking my body that I pray about it and rebuke it off of me. She also suggested that I look into meditation and yoga when dealing with bouts of anxiety.

Fast forward to right now. Tonight I was awakened with an intuitive thought. It came after a disheartening conversation. The intuitive thought brought on a bought of anxiety so I started praying. I also ran to my medicine cabinet to grab the medication that was prescribed 2 years ago. In addition, I headed to the kitchen to brew some herbal tea and grabbed my laptop to crank out this post while listening to Nicki Minaj's Queen album. Btw the album...ISSA WIN for me. Everything worked and I'm so happy and relieved!! Enemy you will no longer have control over my body or thoughts. 

I hope my transparency has brought some clarity to my actions over the weekend. There was so much love and concern shown for me. I am overwhelmed and grateful! I feel it friends! Trust, your girl is gucci. 

Oh and if you're wondering what the call was that God bestowed over me 2 years ago, it was to live my life in purpose while spreading the ideology that you can be yourself and still be a believer...the FCK (pronounced EFF. CEE. KAY). For Christ's Kingdom, only thing missing is yoU (Psalms 19:14).

Do you like it?! As of a week or so ago it is trademarked to me so stay tuned for more.

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Until next time lovelies, live life fashionably.